Life and it's shitballs

So I'm at a real cross roads that will literally decide a huge chunk of my life and I don't know where to go! I'm ready to take the road less traveled but I don't even know where to take it to! I'm ok and have come to terms with not going to college but I need a plan and a passion to follow. I admire those with a fiery, burning passion that drives them to fulfill their dreams and not look up until things are happening. I had to be honest with myself today, I don't know about this pediatric oncologist dream of mine. It was beautiful but for who? I honestly can't stand knowing that babies can develop cancer, wow. I want to help it but will I enjoy the road to get there and ever after? I'm not up for $200,000 of debt with no guarantee of a job or satisfaction. 

That's been worrying me these days because I know someone who is slowly dying, he will die and he actually has a timeline of his life. Can you even fathom that? It's crazy, like I can't even understand it. What I do understand is that when I'm dead, I don't give a rat's ass if my eulogy is  about where I went to school and how important my job was, I want people to know that I thoroughly lived my life doing what I loved because I pursued my passion. Problem is, I don't think I am passionate about much and it really makes me sad. What kind of human being am I that I don't yearn for something important and relevant? All I could muster up was travel and culture. I do love those things but what am I supposed to be? A professional traveler? That's not a job and that paycheck is looking blank as fuck. So, WHAT NOW? I have all of the answers I've been looking for about school and what that academic path looks like, but I don't know if I want to take it anymore. Would I want to live among locals in different countries soaking up life with regular people and different struggles? yes. 

How honest are you being with yourself these days? I know I'm not even though I thought I was a born again truther. Life is so simple, all of the things I have and claim to need are so irrelevant and meaningless to me and deep down I know it but the world as I know it is materialistic and awesome at brain washing the young, old, and everyone in between. I would trade up couture for a pair of hiking boots and a plane ticket these days and it makes me realize how quickly my ideas change, but this is as complicated as I want MY life to be! I started getting caught up in titles, money, and pleasing people and acting like I was trying to please myself when I knew deep down it wasn't for me. Pleasure for one's self shouldn't include so much doubt, uncertainty, and reassurance but mine did and I still never felt satisfied. Ask me and I always tell you how much I adore traveling and foreign crafts(and islands). 

How do I know this isn't just a hobby I'm mistaking for a lifelong passion? It's all I can think about all of the time and want to continuously be submerged in something new and exciting. I just don't know how to achieve my dream and survive because as much as I create a perfect world in my head, this one will always need money. I've considered being a writer but it's a lot more work than it seems and I'd have to keep writing and the book would also need to sell. I do love to write, but it seems tricky because it'd have to be about something good and all I know how to write about is the now; I'm a non-fictitious bitch. I really want to ask for help, it's crazy how I don't even know what direction to even walk in. 

What a fucking mess, really. 

Honestly,

  Bee

Gimme Dat Bikkie

Quick write up, I finally tried BIKRAM YOGA!  From the intensity of my first sentence, yes I loved it.  It was hot as shit, I sweat the saltiest sweat that has ever excreted from my pores, I was wetter than a salty ass wet rhino, I stretch sore muscles, and it was an hour and a half, but so perfect. Lemme tell you why it was perfect.  It was a challenge, not unbearable, friendly, and focused.  I didn't feel judged, the instructor helped me when I was lost and it's just such a beneficial activity that I know I will love even more as time progresses.  It's a huge challenge, but a must-try that I recommend.  I took my class in Dubai and I'll continue with that studio since the environment was my type of thing.  Look it up, give it a try, do something different and uncomfortable for once. 

xo 2Wet

Alicia the Goddess

Wow guys, I had the best experience at my first Alicia Keys concert.  Not only is she a phenomenal performer, but she also has one hell of a voice!  I relived part of my lyrical childhood as she sung some classics that made me really happy. I not only had fun, but I had an awesome front pit view and was with my blissfully unaware mother.  No, she didn't really know any songs, but I can tell she enjoyed her music and my god, her beautiful face/body. What made the night even more memorable was that my cousin is one of her dancers so he got my mom and I the tickets and I got to wah him do what he loves. So cool! I'm not really close to him since he's like 6 years older than me and he and my brother really hung out but I decided new day, new leaf. You can't let the past decide every aspect of today, especially when today you are a different version of you compared to the past.  After the show we met up with my cousin in the backstage area and chatted it up and he introduced us to everyone that wasn't in their dressing room!  He works with such nice people, I felt like I was family which is always an awesome feeling to experience from a stranger.  We walked to a nearby hotel as a huge group to get some drinks and talked some more until everyone realized they were late and scurried their artistic asses back to the set.  Unfortunately, they had to catch a 2 am flight to Tokyo and it was 12:30 am, but it was fun and I'm happy we got to talk and hang out even though we basically never do.  

Moral of the story, reconnect with people you never had an issue with and go see Alicia Keys live.

The End

       

Flaws and All

I want to talk about this huge discovery I made tonight, but I'd be lying if I said I actually felt like writing it all out. It's 4:44 a.m. and it just isn't the time to stupidly write out my every thought.  I really just wanted to say this, if there's something that isn't right in your behavior, personality, etc. and are able to accept that it's a fixable flaw, FIX IT!  There are "flaws" and then there are "bitch fix that shit"'s and I have recently accepted that I have a 'bitch fix that shit' and I would love to do nothing more than to attack it from the source because although I do believe that all human beings will die flaw as fuck, better yourself as much as you can.  I'm pretty sure that after I nip this shit in the bud, I'll feel so much different and positive things will come from it, I'm sure.  In my situation, like many others, you have to be able to recognize your psychotic ways because nothing is crazier than making up problems that aren't there, bitch you good.  

According to several articles I did stumble upon, it was mentioned that many issues human beings have derive from the subconscious and the root is something from your childhood because WHAT ISN'T!?  When in doubt, blame your parents because they fucked you up (probably unintentionally of course).  It makes you think about your future children and what they should be exposed to and how much of it and the examples you want to set for them.  I'm not going to lie, I want my child to be perfect, as in an unfucked up subconscious, but I don't know if my husband and I will be together forever and show our kiddies how to treat people and loved ones, I don't even know if my pompous ass will get married.  I do know this, children are not only precious little kidney beans, but they're some of the most important things in the world; LITERALLY.  A child isn't a toy, accessory, tax write off, or a marriage package and I wish people understood that before they created life.  I know 6 girls that either just had a child or are pregnant and I'm not saying I'm Miss Talula or nothin, but the mystic bones are rattling booboo and those innocent babies are in for a hellish ride. Not good at endings, but you were warned.

BYE. 

Thanks Shelly

This poem made me cry.  It's so simple, but so relatable and perfectly put.  If you didn't know, Shel Silverstein is a simple genius and I want to spend a perfect day cuddled up reading his poems.

xo Bee

The Queen Has Returned

I have so many beauty marks upon my body 

some are very hidden & they make me feel naughty,

But when I look up to share my joy 

It's just me, my marks, and my overused toys.

All hail creativity,

   Honey Bee

Day 93- the END

It's my last day in Belgium, it feels so weird.  I think that's why I'm not as excited as I know I want to be, I don't even feel like I'm leaving in a few hours.  I feel like tomorrow's another Belgian day of life in the hell house, but it really isn't.  It was an interesting experience because it was not what I expected at all and although certain things didn't live up to my expectations, they weren't all horrible.  You really do have to try living in another country for a bit, you understand people better you know ... if that's your thing anyways.  I've met so many people and even if I didn't like them all, I have learned something from them and am grateful for the experience.  In conclusion, Belgium is not exactly my cup of tea per say, but it's cool for a few months. As I ironically write this post in bed, I'm listening to the song I am currently obsessing over and have declared my 2013 summer song, "hold on, we're going home" and I'm going home too.  If you're wondering, my faith hasn't restored in drake, but I do feel better about him because you never want to truly give up on the ones you love.  I think that also leads me to say that I think I'm ok with the comunicationless ending to my friendship with Dante, 3 months later I've let it go and it does not hurt like it did on day 1 of my Belgian trip.  Will I still try?  I think so, I'm a woman of my word and I won't my Orlando chapter with trickery since I'm not a bitch because bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks.  What will I say?  I feel like Meg from Hercules right now.  Maybe I'll just keep it honest .... like .... what did i do to hurt you so much that you would want to hurt me? Idk, it works for now.  I have to sleep, it's 12:25 am and I have to wake up at 4:50 am :( my mom is actually a horrible flight booker, all of my flights have been early as shit. I take off at 8:30 am and land in Dubai at 8:30 pm. Wish me luck ! 

Future desert beauty,

    Honey bee

PART 2: Day 83

So today we drove about 7 hours to northern France, above Paris if that gives you any location relativity.  The type of house we're in is called a gîte, it's nice and big and pretty. We got here in the afternoon so we relaxed a bit, went to town to walk a little and went back home to eat dinner.  I have my own room again so I'm excited, I like privacy and being able to do main my own space, that's probably really american of me but I can't help it, I've never shared a room and i like things that belong to me.  The kids have become worse if that's possible and I only feel worse for their parents, nothing is pleasant for them... I feel like they literally yell at them and are annoyed every 10 mns if not, more.

They must think the worst of me though because my Belgian mom was talking about how tomorrow we sleep until we aren't tired anymore because she drove all day and is tired and she said maybe until 8 am and her son was like omg mom that's pushing it, why so late!? But then she replied that she's never slept til 8 am so it probably won't happen. Uhhhh, in Bianca's world, 8 am will never catch me riding round and gettin it ... wow, hell no. I love sleeping in, oh yes noon is my bestie. My issue is that I have an issue with being anywhere near early, sometimes when I wake up early i make myself sleep again until its late. Anyways, welcome to Burgogne, France my friends.

Xo hunhun

Day 73- This is ME (no Camp Rock pun intended)

I have been empowered with confidence today girls and girls. I know I'm at the age where I "discover" myself and get to know who it is exactly that I am and it's actually happening. So far, I can say that my name is Bianca and I am an amazing friend, a good hearted person, and I love to write. That feels good to say because I am 100% of that statement. It is who I am and ... It's who I am. "This is who I am" feels good to say, if I were ever in an interview before, I would make up good things about myself to sound better. Not to say that they weren't 100% true but I couldn't give you the same answer every time, but I know can ... like a script because I know these things about myself since they are, after all, true. #ayeeeeeee

Feels good,

    Miss Honey Bee

WOWZAS

I'd like to address a pressing issue that has been really scary these past few months of my stay in Belgium and France. The health of my skin. My skin is so dry, it is LITERALLY the color of the grey stones in the courtyard here in France. Why does my skin hate this weather so much? I'm obviously a woman of the tropics because the level of my laziness is equal to the level of humidity. That's all. I'll take pictures of the crime scene, brace your eyes, my skin is drier than sin.

Day 70-the retired life

You knowwww, it's my 4th day in France and I still like it. I think one thing I can get used to is the food, omg I really want to get used to this! Why is the food so good all of the time though !? Like wow, I get that my Belgian mom was busy/lazy stuck in her slave life, but wow we eat different things for every meal and is all good, not once has one of our meals have been bread and deli meats. As I am writing this, my belly is currently full of this vegetable I don't know the name of, cous cous, beef, cantaloupe, and a milk lemon pie ? That sounds weird but that's the French name. Now the American in me is kicking in and I feel greedy for more of that tart/pie, wow it was crunchy and lemony... everything I look for in a lemon pie. Anyways, as my routine follows, I'm watching the news with the grandies and then we'll watch some movie and then I'll spend my night not sleeping resulting in me watching the only three things I can watch in bed ... Teen wolf, ep. 306, Camp, ep.1, and Please Like Me, ep.1 ..... and I'll watch the  again, a second time for the night. I also won't sleep the rest of the night .. Only in small bits of 45mns after I wake up every hour. Welcome to life in the south of France ... Until Thursday.

Muah! 

Xo honey

Day 67- France livin'

After being in the south of France where everything is peaceful and quiet and solitary, I have to say I'm enjoying myself.  There isn't much to really do, but I'm not bored like I was in Belgium. I guess I was getting tired of my Belgian family seeing as though they got on my nerves and the kids could very much be the devils spawn. One of the kids are here and she's fine, but talks so much ... Like way too much but she isn't mean or bratty, just 9 year old annoying. Life is slow in this part of France, we're up in the mountains and nothing is really around us. It doesn't bother me, it just drives me crazy how close we are to Barcelona and I can't go. I'd love to, Barcelona by the sea ... and me (: another day another dime. I still don't sleep well, so that's annoying, but other than that I'm great.  My mom went to the camel market today, she said that there's even a drive thru to buy a camel! I suppose I'll see for myself soon enough, I will also see why Belgium was so annoying when the rest of them join us in a few days. Another day, another entry ... night guys!

Love, 

  Your French Bee