So I'm at a real cross roads that will literally decide a huge chunk of my life and I don't know where to go! I'm ready to take the road less traveled but I don't even know where to take it to! I'm ok and have come to terms with not going to college but I need a plan and a passion to follow. I admire those with a fiery, burning passion that drives them to fulfill their dreams and not look up until things are happening. I had to be honest with myself today, I don't know about this pediatric oncologist dream of mine. It was beautiful but for who? I honestly can't stand knowing that babies can develop cancer, wow. I want to help it but will I enjoy the road to get there and ever after? I'm not up for $200,000 of debt with no guarantee of a job or satisfaction.
That's been worrying me these days because I know someone who is slowly dying, he will die and he actually has a timeline of his life. Can you even fathom that? It's crazy, like I can't even understand it. What I do understand is that when I'm dead, I don't give a rat's ass if my eulogy is about where I went to school and how important my job was, I want people to know that I thoroughly lived my life doing what I loved because I pursued my passion. Problem is, I don't think I am passionate about much and it really makes me sad. What kind of human being am I that I don't yearn for something important and relevant? All I could muster up was travel and culture. I do love those things but what am I supposed to be? A professional traveler? That's not a job and that paycheck is looking blank as fuck. So, WHAT NOW? I have all of the answers I've been looking for about school and what that academic path looks like, but I don't know if I want to take it anymore. Would I want to live among locals in different countries soaking up life with regular people and different struggles? yes.
How honest are you being with yourself these days? I know I'm not even though I thought I was a born again truther. Life is so simple, all of the things I have and claim to need are so irrelevant and meaningless to me and deep down I know it but the world as I know it is materialistic and awesome at brain washing the young, old, and everyone in between. I would trade up couture for a pair of hiking boots and a plane ticket these days and it makes me realize how quickly my ideas change, but this is as complicated as I want MY life to be! I started getting caught up in titles, money, and pleasing people and acting like I was trying to please myself when I knew deep down it wasn't for me. Pleasure for one's self shouldn't include so much doubt, uncertainty, and reassurance but mine did and I still never felt satisfied. Ask me and I always tell you how much I adore traveling and foreign crafts(and islands).
How do I know this isn't just a hobby I'm mistaking for a lifelong passion? It's all I can think about all of the time and want to continuously be submerged in something new and exciting. I just don't know how to achieve my dream and survive because as much as I create a perfect world in my head, this one will always need money. I've considered being a writer but it's a lot more work than it seems and I'd have to keep writing and the book would also need to sell. I do love to write, but it seems tricky because it'd have to be about something good and all I know how to write about is the now; I'm a non-fictitious bitch. I really want to ask for help, it's crazy how I don't even know what direction to even walk in.
What a fucking mess, really.
Honestly,
Bee
