From my previous posts you can already see that I'm either the most dramactic one of this group or the easiest one. I dont care which one you choose because in my mind everything in this world including myself is fucked up.
As the year comes to an end I begin to think about everything thats happened in the past months; the good, the bad, the sexual. Everything that could've lead me to this moment; sitting here in a plush aqua chair, listening to Janelle Monae while the clock ticks down until its time for my first final exam.
I truly believe myself to be a good person. I enjoy caring for people. Making others happy is what makes me happy. But as I get older the smile that used to spread across my face at the sight of a friend gets smaller and smaller and hurts more and more. I find beauty in the simple things in life, like breezes and full moons but I cant seem to find happiness and other things like spending what most would consider to be a great night with a friend. Maybe I've become to simplistic, maybe I am so used to relying on myself for happiness that just the idea of someone else making me happy upsets me. I dont want to be that hipster kid who hates frozen yogurt just because its too main stream.
I WANT TO BE HAPPY with others.
I love smoking and drinking as much as the next wiz kid but sometimes I think that it messed me up just a little. Maybe the high that I get from not being sober has destroyed the part of me that gets high from a good movie or that enjoys being around others and laughing until I get a six pack.
I dont even think I know what I'm saying anymore. Maybe if I fuck around some more with the rest of me I'll find my answer somewhere in a dark room with memories that were meant to be forgotten.
hash tag wont see my bestfriend for one to four years. if then...
No comments:
Post a Comment