Make it rain TRICK

Guys, it's still raining blessings on me. Let's recap! I got hired for about two and a half weeks by this one family for a 3 year old Castro and a 5 year old Lucianna (refer to my life via 8th grade), I'm now working for another family watching their 8 month old cutie pie who's name is Zayn and is such a good baby, and in April I'll be working for a family with a 9 year old genius who is so cute and a 6 year old mute who isn't really mute but I've never heard her talk. Perfect right?! You might say, it's actually raining money down on me. I'll do my money dance real quick (Twerky Dee emoji). How awesome right?! I finally get to save more money instead my bank account looking desolate af. I'm trying to save for Bali so I have money to buy souvenirs, trinkets, and maybe dinner or something for my mom and I as a treat. I'm honestly not making much at all, I'd make much more in the U.S., but it's business and if it weren't for the second family I mentioned, I wouldn't have gotten these other two jobs! Word of mouth is crazy y'all, it's so powerful. This one family told another family and when I was working for one I met another at the playground, the playground is where I believe I can do good business. 

This summer I'm supposed to be coming to Fl, but I might not ... LET ME EXPLAIN. My mom's job buys her a ticket home and she had to tell them when she wanted it so that brought on her asking me when I want to go back. I can obviously go and come when I please, but this house situation is such a pain in the ass bc I have no house in Fl. My other dilemma is this, my mom is talking about Iceland this summer and South Africa for Christmas break which sounds lovely, but those are just more tickets for her to continue to buy for me bc I'm broke. I want to come home for summer bc I miss my ladies and Hercules and I just wana relax in Florida bc why not! but if it's at the cost of thousands of dollars since it adds up to that after three trips, I just don't see how I can tell my mom I want to go. 

So if I do stay .... THEN WHAT?

I guess I don't mind staying home for a month alone, I've lived without family before I just haven't lived in a space solo. I'm down to do it, I could pick up some work or not idk. The apartment complex I live in is strictly for employees of the company that hired my mom so  if they all work for the school and school is over then idk. Haha. Maybe I could clean apartments? House sit for the families that go away for vacation like my mom is? I'm still contemplating the possibilities, I'll fill everyone in when I make my decision, but if I don't come back for summer or Christmas and don't see you all for another year or more .... then Skype me bc I love you.

I'm just chillin while baby Zayn is asleep. I wana be asleep bc I'm fucking sleepy. I've been awake since 6:20 and I've been working since 7. Yesterday my ambitious ass thought that after work I could go to the gym and take two classes, two hours of physical fitness. OK. To be fair, the second class is yoga so it isn't high intensity. I do know that I'm gona sleep like a fucking baby tonight #nightnightnikkuh (oh yea, I don't like saying the n word anymore, I'm pretty pro-black power these days, I don't identify as black bc nobody should, but I feel like it's such a lax cause in America). 

I'd be napping next to the baby right now, but my employer's dad is visiting so he's just here with me and that's mad awk.

mkay, luv y'all 2much.

XO,

 2Paid

Sunday night Blues

The concept of combining two different goals during the same timeframe is difficult, especially if one has to be sacrificed for the other. 

You can do the impossible, several times even, but fear is waiting for you around every corner.  Teachers and mentors and parents cheer you on as a child, they tell you how brilliant you are and that you're going to do something great and not to let anyone or thing obstruct your path to the point of being deterred.  Why didn't any of these wise and experienced adults warn us that our minds are probably going to be our greatest obstacle because our opinions are bold and trustworthy enough to sway us off of a ledge or behind someone else's shadow on their path.  

Is it possible that I instilled so much fear in myself that I stopped what I was doing and played it safe?  Was I the one who wreaked of ambition, so much that I made others question their own and admire mine?  How could I have possibly gotten so shaken up that I began to own defeat and let it be the resident feeling in my heart?  

How tough is life? I won't even pretend to know because this is just the beginning and I'll have plenty of other opportunities to fear the unknown, but it's up to me to tell myself and you two, honestly, that as painful as disappointment is, it will never hurt as much as an unfulfilled half-ass dream. 

Dream to the next galaxy and back, live as many of them as you can, make your life worthwhile because you are loved beyond measure and it shows; so radiate it more often.

Peace,

Honey Bee

FACTZ

Based on the current facts, this is clearly my blog now since my sisters are too (fill in the fucking blank bitches) to document their thoughts/life. So what's it like to talk to myself? It feels accomplished. Even though my posts just chill in cyberspace, I feel like my thoughts are being deposited somewhere other than my mind to be recycled for another day. That's the absolute worst, rehashing unpleasant thoughts.

If you must know, I don't really sleep anymore so there goes my sleep and everything else that sleep does for healthy human beings.

I successfully completed a 10 day master cleanse where I drank a spicy lemonade and only that for 10 days. I'm so proud of myself because that was seriously hard. It was sometimes the hunger, but I also missed having solid food in my mouth, so that was a bitch and half. I lost weight so that's cool and I'm pleased and I'm going to not only keep it off, but also shed a few more pounds and tone on up.

Why? WELL! It's official, I'm going to Bali, Indonesia for like 2 weeks for spring break!!! I'm so hype, it's insane. I'm so excited to be going, exploring, beaching it up, playing with elephants and eating yummy Balinese food. Of course I'll be taking lots of pictures and they'll be on my other blog, FYI. My goal is to look a lot more presentable in a bikini because hullo, I'd like to. 

That's enough news for 5 minutes.

Jou san (good morning in Cantonese),

Honey bee

Eat, Pray, Love

I started wondering today if my big move was even worth it, did I just waste all of these months overseas? For a second it felt like it amounted to nothing, absolutely nothing.  I get it now, I feel like a zero because I had to continue my path to success via route not fucking mine and I have no purpose these days. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing anyone feels proud of me for and I feel like a walking zero. It's as horrible as it sounds. I don't need constant praise, but I need to know that something's gone right, that I'm not trashing my life.  Do you know the last time someone told me that they were proud of me? Well, my mom just did because I passed my assessment and got a scholarship, but it's been a while before that.  Even if people were giving me constant praise, I realized that I'm not even praising myself and had I received constant praise, I would've believed it because people I love tell me so.  I learned something very important a week ago, just because someone loves you and you love them, doesn't mean everything they tell you is true about yourself. Not bashing myself, but I believe that it's important for me to believe that I am so proud of myself and my accomplishments before I just believe someone else because it's a beautiful compliment. Compliments are beautiful to me because I know them to be true and it's so nice to know that someone else recognizes it.  

Ok, and now that I'm tired and over this because if my dreams don't remind me, I'll forget how big of a zero I am these days; at least for 5-7 hours. 

Moral: Love yourself so that you will not only believe that others love you, but you can also radiate that love. Radiate love guys.

A traversiamo,

Bee

Selfishness and Shit

I finally understand how important finding yourself is and why it should be done alone and not while you're investing yourself in someone else. What it is to be young, to have the actual time to please your soul, strengthen your faith, feed your happiness and so much more. I would've never gotten this far if it hadn't of been for my need of self discovery and my detachment to men. How can I possibly ask someone to accept me and love me for who I am when I'm not even half way there myself? Love is beautiful and to witness it in different forms is memorizing and tempting, but who is a troubled soul to search for things to complete itself when it's solitude that it requires? If you can't learn to please yourself, how will you know what you love and can appreciate when someone else has noticed and would like to do for you? It's troubling to know that people only can appreciate and love things because it has been done for them and not because they've found elements of life that please them, who are when this person is gone and what are those elements to you now? 

I'm searching for fulfillment, ultimate satisfaction from every possible aspect that will complete me. I wish to be happy on my own and then happy with someone else. I want to resurrect all of the love that I know is inside of me, stuck under collapsed distress, anger, and lost faith. At the very least, I want to love myself the most (besides you, big G) to give the most of me to others deserving of it because those ready to accept and understand want the entire story and not a few pages from the world's best story. And as overused as this quote may be, it is exactly what I want to close my thoughts with because it is all I want out of humankind:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

- Gandhi

xo and a lot of peace,

 Bee

And just because it makes me so happy to read a thought of mine from this week happen in someone else's mind: 

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"

- also Gandhi 

What You Know

Humans really are civilized animals...sometimes.  When an animal in the wild is angry or trying to assert dominance, they attempt to stand taller and, more often than not, use a louder way of communicating.  All I'm really saying here is that if we call ourselves human for a reason, why don't we at least try to mean it a little more?
Speaking of animals, that's something that animals and humans alike need, right?  When you betray the trust of an animal, I don't think they wait for you to prove yourself or win their trust back.  How do you know you can TRULY trust someone?  There's this one situation that I'm pretty skeptical of because my faith in the relationship went
down the drain.  Trust is like a building, in that, it is based on a strong foundation; multiple bricks/multiple moments of trust.  I also want something genuine out of that trust, I hate that I'm constantly questioning how genuine someone is being with me, whether they've got ulterior motives and how that'll come back to bite me in the ass,
especially since a relationship, romantic or not, is a huge investment.  Why is it that people don't understand that?  Like a friendship isn't that serious, that we can basically spin the bottle and whoever it lands on, we call a friend.  I am so not sorry for taking something like that seriously, especially since I'm actually a friend to
those I call one.  It seems simple, if you want to be a friend of mine; ACT LIKE IT.  Friendship is not convenience or timing, it's as if people just don't even know how to be committed on such a simple level. 
I recently questioned a friend of mine and their role in my life and how much less we spoke after my move.  I had to carefully analyze the situation because I didn't want to react before I'd seen the entire chess board, know what I'm up against.  It was basically obvious up until a few weeks ago when I noticed a redeeming quality in him/her
that changed the game completely.  Now I'm a really good savant on almost any situation that someone seeks advice for, I'm just awesome about being keen on details, but I had never met anyone who could do the same.  No offense to anyone who's ever given me advice, but it wasn't doing it for me.  What I got from this friend was raw thought, so
simply put that if I had ever over analyzed that, I'd have to find the equation to kicking myself in the ass.  I never imagined getting a taste of my own medicine, it was enlightening and tasty af. 
The moral of all of this is that your friends are not you, they may be similar to you or share similar qualities and/or interests with you, but chances are, you all don't think the exact same way.  I forget that like all of the time and I wish I didn't because I'd be able to notice and appreciate unique and admirable qualities about people a lot
faster than I currently do.  I do love this friend as I do all of my friends and maybe they are slacking on friend duties, but little things like perfect, life altering advice remind me that they do care and that they don't think like me and remember everything that I do and are the same type of friend that I am.  I think uniquely and specifically
to Bianca, so my friend isn't going to behave the way that I would for that very reason.
If you want to know why my thoughts are all over the place, I don't think I can even answer that tonight, but I can say that the next skill I will begin to master is understanding.  I want to understand people better, what makes them tick.  Understanding is everything and without it, we're stale and robotic.
To know yourself is only half of the battle.
xo Bianca

2014

Yikes, I really meant to post so long ago about the holidays, my trip down, the new year and other memories made in the process, but time escaped me.  As I sit here and shake my ass to Scarred (Uncle Luke) and write this post, I remember the whirlwind of a year I've had and that I actually spent most of it outside of the U.S.  It was one of my best years, 2013 was so happening and life changing for me with me meeting new friends, partying, moving to Belgium, touring France, and moving to the UAE, how do you think I feel?  When I realize how 2013 started and when it did, it has that long time ago/just yesterday effect right?!  What I can say to be true is the fact that each year I learn a larger quantity of life facts and it definitely changes my view on the world. 

2014 opened up a little different compared to previous years, we stayed in on New Years and had a little white wine to preview the smoothness that should be two thousand and fourteen. So far I've seen a change in my spirit, goals, and demeanor.  I've managed to up my testosterone circle from 1.5 to 3.5, but I'm sensing a temporary air.  I also sleep at night, what a fucking accomplishment guys, SERIOUSLY.  I'm going to get back into school after a year(it will be almost a year).  My hair is going to be 2 years old in 5 months and my skin has almost reached the goal I set out in September for my Bianca 2.0 Challenge.  I just got back in the gym and I'm eating better now that I'm back home, so the next phase of my Bianca 2.0 series is my body, stay tuned.

Not gonna lie, 2013 was surprising and different from any year I've ever experienced, but I am so ready.


Cheers,
  Bianca

P.S. There's talks of my mom and I taking a Southeast Asia or Africa trip for 2 weeks, HOLLAAAA!