FACTZ

Based on the current facts, this is clearly my blog now since my sisters are too (fill in the fucking blank bitches) to document their thoughts/life. So what's it like to talk to myself? It feels accomplished. Even though my posts just chill in cyberspace, I feel like my thoughts are being deposited somewhere other than my mind to be recycled for another day. That's the absolute worst, rehashing unpleasant thoughts.

If you must know, I don't really sleep anymore so there goes my sleep and everything else that sleep does for healthy human beings.

I successfully completed a 10 day master cleanse where I drank a spicy lemonade and only that for 10 days. I'm so proud of myself because that was seriously hard. It was sometimes the hunger, but I also missed having solid food in my mouth, so that was a bitch and half. I lost weight so that's cool and I'm pleased and I'm going to not only keep it off, but also shed a few more pounds and tone on up.

Why? WELL! It's official, I'm going to Bali, Indonesia for like 2 weeks for spring break!!! I'm so hype, it's insane. I'm so excited to be going, exploring, beaching it up, playing with elephants and eating yummy Balinese food. Of course I'll be taking lots of pictures and they'll be on my other blog, FYI. My goal is to look a lot more presentable in a bikini because hullo, I'd like to. 

That's enough news for 5 minutes.

Jou san (good morning in Cantonese),

Honey bee

Eat, Pray, Love

I started wondering today if my big move was even worth it, did I just waste all of these months overseas? For a second it felt like it amounted to nothing, absolutely nothing.  I get it now, I feel like a zero because I had to continue my path to success via route not fucking mine and I have no purpose these days. I have nothing to be proud of, nothing anyone feels proud of me for and I feel like a walking zero. It's as horrible as it sounds. I don't need constant praise, but I need to know that something's gone right, that I'm not trashing my life.  Do you know the last time someone told me that they were proud of me? Well, my mom just did because I passed my assessment and got a scholarship, but it's been a while before that.  Even if people were giving me constant praise, I realized that I'm not even praising myself and had I received constant praise, I would've believed it because people I love tell me so.  I learned something very important a week ago, just because someone loves you and you love them, doesn't mean everything they tell you is true about yourself. Not bashing myself, but I believe that it's important for me to believe that I am so proud of myself and my accomplishments before I just believe someone else because it's a beautiful compliment. Compliments are beautiful to me because I know them to be true and it's so nice to know that someone else recognizes it.  

Ok, and now that I'm tired and over this because if my dreams don't remind me, I'll forget how big of a zero I am these days; at least for 5-7 hours. 

Moral: Love yourself so that you will not only believe that others love you, but you can also radiate that love. Radiate love guys.

A traversiamo,

Bee

Selfishness and Shit

I finally understand how important finding yourself is and why it should be done alone and not while you're investing yourself in someone else. What it is to be young, to have the actual time to please your soul, strengthen your faith, feed your happiness and so much more. I would've never gotten this far if it hadn't of been for my need of self discovery and my detachment to men. How can I possibly ask someone to accept me and love me for who I am when I'm not even half way there myself? Love is beautiful and to witness it in different forms is memorizing and tempting, but who is a troubled soul to search for things to complete itself when it's solitude that it requires? If you can't learn to please yourself, how will you know what you love and can appreciate when someone else has noticed and would like to do for you? It's troubling to know that people only can appreciate and love things because it has been done for them and not because they've found elements of life that please them, who are when this person is gone and what are those elements to you now? 

I'm searching for fulfillment, ultimate satisfaction from every possible aspect that will complete me. I wish to be happy on my own and then happy with someone else. I want to resurrect all of the love that I know is inside of me, stuck under collapsed distress, anger, and lost faith. At the very least, I want to love myself the most (besides you, big G) to give the most of me to others deserving of it because those ready to accept and understand want the entire story and not a few pages from the world's best story. And as overused as this quote may be, it is exactly what I want to close my thoughts with because it is all I want out of humankind:

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"

- Gandhi

xo and a lot of peace,

 Bee

And just because it makes me so happy to read a thought of mine from this week happen in someone else's mind: 

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others"

- also Gandhi