I'm here

Of all of the things to get me back on the blog, it was death.  I've written so many entries in my computer since August 2014, but time has escaped me and they aren't as significant anymore.  School has taken a toll on my creative life, I don't get to do anything that I am passionate about anymore. That makes me sad.  My cousin died in Haiti yesterday, my young, husband/dad of 2 babies/brother/son cousin.  He was leaving the bank and got in his car and they shot him in the head.  I wasn't close to him because he lived in Haiti and didn't come to the US much, but I knew him and just saw him 3 years ago.  He was nice, I hate to think that there are more terrible people alive and hurting others versus someone like him, but balance, right? Being closer to God in this time in my life has allowed me to understand this a little better, but it just comes as shock. We didn't plan for him to die, God did, so huge shock. I'm not sad, just extremely neutral. I don't like feeling neutral, I don't feel anything at all.  This morning I took a nap after the news and I don't know if it was a dream, but something was brushing vigorously back and forth on my bed behind me and then I looked up and saw a shadow of a man on the ceiling and then move to the wall and then he held up a peace sign. Dream, right?  I have a final this evening and my head isn't in the right place, I'm nervous. this has happened before, tragedy before an exam. It's May 5th, God bless.

to Joel Alcindor and his wife and kids, xo.


The Bee is back.

Dear Sister (6 am poetry)

I couldn't sleep tonight, but it was a good night. This precious thought came into my head and I ran with it. I wrote something, maybe you'll like it? And maybe you won't. It's here to stay. I adore it. It's entitled: Dear sister

To be a woman .....

You are everything 

You are infinitely beautiful

You are curvaceous 

You curves flow and spill over with character and strength 

You are willful spiritual beings of love

You are an important child of God

You matter to Him, everything from your tears to your thoughts matter

You persevere in a man's world because it too, belongs to you

You are wise beyond their opinions, more than a container for the mind 

You are an act of faith

You are more than a failed attempt because you are the journey 

You are a creator, an artist, a poet, a foundation of newness 

You are distraught, disappointed, depressed, desperate, dejected, cynical, irrevocably scared, and anxious

But you will not be for much longer sister

You are a woman

You are fierce, even in the politest of ways

You are a warrior

You are a conquerer, your difficulties will soon begin to quake at the mere thought of you

You are a lovely silhouette 

You are kissed by the sun and caressed by the moon because of your ethereal glory 

You are your actions

You are a scornful wrath

You are an engaging embrace

You are anything you choose to be

You are purpose and love beautifully intertwined together 

You are not too much of anything because you are supposed to be wonderfully imperfect

You make me proud because you are a woman

Love and light, 

Honey Bee

DEPRE-

I've fallen in some type of slump here in Abu Dhabi. I'm unmotivated and there's no promise of excitement for the next day as there was in Sweden. Am I done with this country? 

I've finally found it in me to get social, whether or not the age difference between these people and I are 10 years + and awkward. For lack of understanding, how does one lift ones self out of a depressed state? Should I try daily affirmations? I pray a lot, daily dialogues and such. It's going well, but then again when is Jesus not super attentive and there for you? 

I started working out again. That's a definite step because I enjoy taking care of myself. Maybe the issue is instant gratification and I need to learn to be ok with how life isn't happening at an instant's speed. One step should be enough for now, but it feels more like a failure to take a bigger, more effective step. 

I'm trying not to be negative, it's a bad thing. If everything happens for a reason, NO COINCIDENCES, then nothing is a failure, a downfall, a bad thing. I forget that because I count some "bad" things and all good things. Time for change, eh?

Have a good day America,

Honey 

The Scandinavian Diaries - Day 8

It's day 8 on the island of Södermalm and I suck at this diary business, it's not a diary anymore. 

I'm writing a before/after type diary today guys. Why? I've just been invited to an Indian BBQ where they'll only speak Hindi or Urdu and yea... I want to take advantage of going to one because I don't know when I'll be going to one again, but I won't be speaking to anyone (the fucking language barrier, der) so hopefully this won't be as long as a Bollywood movie. So here's my BEFORE, before the questions and assumptions and comfort level. It's good to be uncomfortable sometimes. It's good for the soul. Comfort for long periods of time is unsettling, that means nothing new is coming into your life and you aren't really developing as a human being. So let's get uncomfortable.

And here's the AFTER, the hard cold truth. It wasn't bad! I thought it was going to be your average 1,000 person Pakistani party, but it was actually an intimate get together with a few people. It was outside of the city, a quaint area and a cute house. I guess I should also mention that these people all have money .... Not like Jim Jones' BALLIN'! but they're well off so it was cute and fun. The food was really good. I did sit awkwardly by myself a lot of the time, but I'm used to it, wasn't my first rodeo so that was w.e. Then I guess this one lady felt bad for me and insisted that I play with the children ... Yea, she asked if an 11 year old could include me ... guys, I'm on the verge of 21 I'm just sayin. It was such a beautiful day so I went back to sitting outside with the men, I enjoy men-talk. Ever since I was in Belgium and my Belgian dad would talk to me about all types of things, I like what men have to say about business and politics. 

All in all, people mostly spoke Urdu and Swedish, but when else am I gona go to a party where people are speaking that interchangeably? It was cool. 

My advice to you guys: just do it. Whatever it is. Say yes more than you say no. I wanted to say no, but I forced a yes out of me and it was worth it.

The Scandinavian Diaries - Day 9

Nothing really important to say except for one piece of screamable bullshit. Yoooooo, WHY?!!!!!!!! Guys, I walk a lot while in Sweden and that's fine. I brought clothing and footwear to accommodate that because that's above looking cute. Comfort first!

So anyways, today I walked so much more than ever. I wore my dark green pencil skirt from topshop because it's so cute and right under knees so it's appropriate and won't ride up while I'm all over Stockholm. Wrong my friends. While everything was comfortable and good ON the hood, it's what was brewing UNDER the hood. This is getting too long, my bad. I got ... I don't even know, burned? Chaffed? Deep fried? Guys, my inner thighs have huge raised redish fuschia spots of death. It hurt so much. I wanted to just cop a squat anywhere and remain there for the remainder of my life. HATED IT. 

Moral of the story: skirts are awesome and sexy. I looked like a cocoa mermaid today. Skirts, however, are NOT for long distance walking for those of the larger thigh variety. My thighs are jumbo and to say they touch is an understatement, they're cuddling lovers. So I'll never wear a skirt for exploration again. 

The end.

Unsweetened Honey

The Scandinavian Diaries - Day 3

Hej hej! (That's Swedish guys)  

Today is July 1st, my day 3 in Sweden. This city is pure magic, I swear. For soooo many reasons I'm in love with it. There hasn't been any sun which kind of stinks, but I'm not even focused on that. Yes, it's also cold, but I've been able to get over it. I absolutely adore Stockholm and it's quirks. I am most definitely coming back to this city if I don't move here at some point. How lovely. 

But how weird is it that 4 completely different people have said that they bet I'd find a husband here!? I don't particularly believe in coincidences, but I'm not gona lie ... I did imagine myself and my future family life with a blonde Swedish papi. Apparently the people here like people of color because they're so far and few, but nobody has gone out of their way to talk to me yet (sad face). Well ... There was this one creepy old man that got up and asked me how I knew he was staring at my neck bc I put my scarf on after he started .... But guys, I literally had my scarf on the entire time so that was odd. 

People have been kind so far, but people who are working or if I ask for directions at an information area. It's not like Indonesia where the entire fucking island is on cloud 9 and chipper from dawn to dusk, but I feel comfortable in that sense. 

Before you ask, yes I've gotten lost already. I hate that shit. I like knowing where I'm going and walking with confidence. I always get lost guys, it's super typical of life tbh. I'm used to it, but I just like to bring it up from time to time.

I haven't done too much other than exploring, but I've loved what I've seen and the way I feel in the city. I live on Södermalm and that's a small island, city-like setup, and then there's a train to take you into the big city. A bit reminiscent of Brussels. 

I'm already in love with this city. I'm sure my week will only get better from here!

Pus pus,

Bee

Back at it again

It's late and I keep forgetting to mention this so here it is short and without much detail.

I've planned a spontaneous solo trip to Sweden for July and I'm pumped and I can't wait to be somewhere new again. I've been to so many different places in my lifetime, but I literally bounce off of the walls in my thrilled heart everytime a new opportunity arises. 

I have a layover in Turkey for about 16 hours so I'm hoping to spend the day sightseeing my top 3 sights and then make it back to the UAE for Ramadan .... womp womp. But this isn't a morbid post, so jk. 

I might blog daily-ish like Belgium (LOL) and I can't wait! 

Here I come Scandinavia.

Buhhhhhbye,

Bee Bee

P.S. The weather during the summer is like in the 50's and 60's ..... Let's just let that sink in.